Untitled story

It’s July 15, 2011, 08:07 in the evening and I am staring in the monitor blankly. I am thinking if he will answer my call later.

I am working in an Online Teaching company and I teach Korean students. It’s a phone English class in which I have students every day. I have my own account on our website and my teacher’s name is Jane. Today is Friday so I had a lot of students, 14 students and there were consecutive classes. I only teach them for 10 minutes and some of them were 20 minutes.

I am excited now, I am waiting for the scheduled time to call him, my student, JJ. He was 25 years old, intermediate level student and an independent man living in Seoul. He is my student for more than 7 weeks and he was improving in his English usage. He is good-looking too (he uploaded his picture in our diary), with white and soft complexion and chinky eyes. I love his eyes; I do love his eyes as I love him too. Oops…

Yes, I am in love with my student, I am in love with JJ. I fell in love with his voice, voice that’s serious but sweet, and when he laughs, there is a feeling of good music. A music in which you will be addicted. There’s something in his voice that makes me fall for him. There’s something in his voice that you wanted to hear it… over and over again. And yeah, just add his eyes which attract me too. Despite the culture differences, I know we are one.
Yes, we are one.

Last month (June 30, 2011), the memorable one, we had a different conversation. Actually, it was a perfect class but when I needed to say goodbye… he told me to give him a little more minute.
“Jane,” he said with gentle, “I need ter you someting.”
“Okay JJ, go ahead.” I said being perky because of the extended time.
“I…I…I…love you” his voice with slow motion and then in a rush. The line was cut.
I felt different.
Totally different and strange.
Shocked.
I stared in the monitor blankly, with my headset on and time was running, I lost myself and with a second, I smiled.
Time was running.
“Oh! Sh**, I am late!” Next class, I called late. 5 MINUTES LATE as a breaking record. I was in panicked and JJ’s voice was haunting me. I can’t concentrate with my class…No… my reply to my student’s questions was out of nowhere… not related… ARGH!

After that class, I noticed that he wrote something on his diary (part of the website in which your student can write or upload something).

Good night Jane.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know how to express my feeelings
That’s why I cut the phone.
I’m sorry if you’ll think that’s bad.
I call the administrator to asked the address of your company.
I want to see you Jane. See you in next few days.

JJ.

See you in next few days? As I analyze his letter, I realized that he will fly to Philippines to see me. Am I right?

I don’t know how to react but it felt different. The feeling is: Ineffable.
The next day, I still called him expecting that he won’t answer his phone. Hoping that he really flew to see me but…
Ring…
“Hello…” there his sweet voice.
“Oh hello JJ. Good evening!” my voice was actually disappointed and surprised but still I’d pretended to be happy.
“Yes, good evening Jane. I’m sorry, I never had a chance to see you,” a disappointment in his voice too in which it’s my first time to hear this kind of tone from him.
“It’s okay JJ. There’s no problem about that,” I replied.
“I actually… tried… but it don’t happen.” “I see. Don’t think about it JJ, let’s see in the future,” still disappointed but I am trying to lift his spirit.
“I’m not sure the future,” there’s sadness in his tone, “anyway, I want to have class now.”
Then we had our class. I taught him how to use the basic tense and present tense of verbs.

Before the end of our class, he told me beautiful things but something bothered him. I know something bothered him. Is it that he never had a chance to see me?
Not sure about the answer.

We spent 2 weeks in our class with his disappointment… nothing changed from the first time I heard this kind of his tone. Seems like everything was recorded and his voice didn’t change. The tone, intonation and last was the feeling. It made me sick listening to his voice. His laugh was gone. I was longing to hear his laugh. His sweet tone and it’s my music. I was missing that music. As I can’t control my feelings, I frankly told him:
“Can you change the tone of your voice?”
“Why Jane?” he was shocked with my question but still with the same tone.
“Because I missed your voice, the voice in which there was no disappointment. I missed it.”
“I can’t,” he directly told me. “Why?” a little bit angry.
“I just can’t. Goodnight Jane. Bye.” And the last thing I heard was he hanged up. Line was cut.

July 14, 2011. 08:30 in the evening, I rang his phone and he answered.
“Good evening Jane!” like shouting at me but gentle.
“Oh! Yeah, good evening JJ!” I was happy.
“I realize maybe your angry last night to me.”
“Oh, I’m not angry; I just missed your voice,” saying the truth.
“Hahaha! I know you’re angry. I know you,” his voice was coming back to life.
“Hahaha! Are you sure you really know me?” “Oh yes, I wer not love you if I never understand you.”
“I see, well you’re right. But just a little bit mad… “
“I will miss you…”
“Huh?”
“I’m tired now Jane, I tink I can’t take the class tonight. Marked absent today.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll call you tomorrow, still, thank you for answering my call.”
“Thank you too Jane, I’ll never forget you.”
“Hmm… same here. Take a rest now and don’t be absent tomorrow”
“Neber I will be absent. I’m on your side now. Thank you…”

Silence. There was a silence between us. And there was an important meaning behind this silence but these things I cannot decipher. What’s wrong with him?

“Thank you too JJ. Have a good night… see you tomorrow.”
“See you too soon Jane. I am orways in love with you.”
…
Line was cut.
The conversation was really strange. Different. Ineffable.

Back to the present time….
July 15, 2011.
08:29. 40 seconds… time is running. And then 50 seconds. I started to ring his phone and there is a different voice which answered my call.
“Hello JJ”
“Anyeong ha seyo” probably it’s not him. A soft voice, with the tone of question, and the feeling is she will start to cry. A voice of a lady.
“Oh,” with surprised that JJ didn’t answer my call, “good evening, may I speak to Mr. JJ?”
“JJ?” she asked. “Yes, JJ, ah this is his teacher. My name is Jane.”
“Tichearh?” she asked again. “Yes, I am his teacher. Is he around?”
“He’s gone.” The voice will start to cry.
“Huh? What do you mean by he’s gone?” I stuttered, “We had a great conversation yesterday!” I honestly tell her.
“You tok to him yestahday?” another question to be answered.
“Yes, though we had a short time because I think he was tired and he wanted to rest,” another explanation from me.
“Ohhh…” her voice with amazement. Amazement? I’m not sure.
“He’s dead.”
“What? He’s dead? Hahahah! It’s not a good joke.” Getting angry with what she told me.
“This is JJ’s mothar… he died on cras… plane… plane cras.”
“What?” I don’t know if I can believe this woman, “can you just give the phone to him? You’re wasting my time, our time, I need to talk to him!”
She started to cry and I felt guilty. “This is trut. He’s dead. He… plane cras… when he go to Pilippine. He died last 01. I mean, firs of July.”
“Are you insane? I mean are you crazy? It’s July 15 now and I talked to him for almost 2 weeks. How can be that happen?” my voice was like shouting at her. A bad manner to talk like that into complete stranger.
“I don know!” she also shouted at me. I felt she can’t control herself anymore with what I told her.
“Omma…” someone, a lady was speaking in Korean and of course I can’t understand it. The woman, who said she was JJ’s mother, gave the phone to another woman.
“Hello, who’s this?”
“Yes, hello. This is Jane, JJ’s teacher.”
“Jane...” another tone with different expression in which I can’t understand.
“Yes, Jane.” I told her with now a calm voice.
“This is Moon, omma tol me you tok to JJ for almost two weeks.” She has the Korean accent but she can speak very well.
“That’s right. And I can’t understand what the other woman was telling me about JJ. It was something that I can’t analyze.” It was something I can’t accept.
“JJ was dead,” same words that I can’t understand. It seems so plain but I can’t accept it,” he died on a plane crash when he flew to Philippines.”
“He did?”
“Yes, he did, the day he flew to Philippines was the day of our wedding.”
“… You were his fiancee?”
“Yes, but he never came to our wedding ceremony, he just called me to say souhrry and told me that he will to flew to the Philippines to find his love one… and I guess it was you. His teacher.”

A raging river of tears streamed down my cheeks. They were rushing. My heart stopped. It just stopped beating.
There was silence and the lady told me… “I envy you that he loved you… you er the last girl he loved. But still sad for him not because we didn’t marry each othah and orso he never had a chanced to see you. Goodbye now… nice meeting you Jane.” She was kind. I know she was.

She hanged the phone and I was left alone in the world. Now the ideas were flooding through me, that’s why he told me that.
That’s why he was really sorry because he never had a chance to see me; he was not sure about the future. He also told me that he will miss me and he will never forget me. And the last thing he told me that he will never be absent and he will always be in love with me. Yes, he tried. His soul still attended our class. It’s sounded crazy but it really happened.

The thoughts were forming into compact ideas. There’s no missing piece now. I felt guilty on the same time because he died on a plane crash when he tried to visit me. He even risks his own name for me because he backed out to his scheduled wedding.
He loved me more than I did. And I know he will continue loving me. He will never be absent. And he was on my side.

Something blew in my direction. A cold wind with his words, with his voice, my music, his sweet voice “I’m on your side.”

It’s all clear.

I fell in love

The silence was amusing
No. sounds are coming from
The first floor. Disturbance.

I was looking at her.
Stared at her.
The light from her left
Makes her hair glow.
Pointless
But still it’s beautiful.

Half of her
face was covered.
Mysterious in its own way.
Her eyes stared at me.
Her dazzling eyes smiling at me.
Her look was fake
But still it’s beautiful.

Her lips wore a smile.
A true smile?
Showing her teeth
Proved a smile.
It lied...
But still it’s beautiful.

Her aura glowed.
Different.
She is not her at that image…

All is not perfect but still it’s beautiful.
As I finished my thought with words
I realized,


I fell in love with myself.

Every seconds...

Every seconds a

Lifetime

Holding hearts

Gently

Caressing softly.



I wish for a

Broken road

And--

Silence.

Love is...

Love is like stars

Shining brightly

In the sky.



When the dim sky

Covers you

There will be your

Star.



When you can't find

Your shadow

There will be your

Star.



When you can't feel

The wind

There will be your

Star.



When clouds tries

Their best to hide

The moon

Your star will still winks

At you.



Love is like stars

It gives you hope

And life.



But soon,It will be a falling star...

A falling star.

life is...

Life is not like playing a good music on your mp3 player. You cant 'pause' the happenings in life. You cant 'backward' to correct your mistakes on the past. You can't 'forward' to see the future.

Life's can be like a song which you can choose your genre. Just go with the flow and satisfy yourself until the end.

You can 'stop' your life if you wanted to but you can never 'play (it) again.'



A thought...

A PERFECT GIFT

A perfect song,
Who touches your heart
Will be singing the last line
And living the last note.

A perfect movie,
You see through your eyes
Will end in a way
You dont expect.

A perfect story
With unusual intro,
Not a common climax
Take its end
With teary goodbye.

The perfect love.
The man who understands
The way it should be.
The woman who loves
The man...
Is waving with her
Last goodbye.